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| So here I am again, on the slick slippery precipice night before another due date and i'm on xanga again, it seems like I'm always here before something important's due, maybe writing xanga entries makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something - well it's not.
Its weird, I started xanga about the same time I started listening to Maroon 5 and i have it on again while i'm typing this, it brings up a lot of memories, most of it pretty crappy (click the link, its not crappy). Grade 9 was pretty much the time when i started listening to music in general (music for me back then wasn't the same as music for me now). For whatever reason, I listened to a lot of emo songs (see maroon 5) and I thought to myself, man, I'm so deep and misunderstood (deeply misunderstood) and i tried to become someone that I wasn't (i tried to be Neil Gaiman - fyi, its hard for a grade 9 asian boy to become Neil Gaiman). I can't say it was pleasent, I felt miserable and I was proud of it, I went to extreme mediocre length to be feel crappy. It was stupid and for 4 years, I tried very hard to remember how stupid that can be.
That kind of brings me to where I am now (no, i'm not trying to be deeply misunderstood, although a deeper understanding of the mysteries of Comm 290 wouldn't be too bad), about a month and a half ago, I made a decision that was very important to me, and since then I've pretty much gone living on autopilot. It's confusing and I'm not sure where I'm headed (i might be lost, but you can find your direction at the Enterprize lifepilot event on October 17th, buy your tickets today), I remember the beginning of the summer when it felt like I had control of a lot of the parts of my life, somewhere between then and now, I think i lost that control and it's a disturbing feeling. How does this tie in with grade 9? I think i found that feeling i was looking for in grade 9 and it absolutely sucks. Once you have it, you can't loose it you try and you try, but it sticks with you it slips into every crack in your life and breaks it apart.
I've asked for a lot of advice and had a lot of advice given to me and most of it's been variations of the same, stop thinking about it and it'll go away. I agree. For the past month and a half i've just been trying to get around the problem when I should just leave it and walk away. I've done a lot to try to distract myself, Frosh, JDC, day of the longboat and most recently helping cook thanksgiving dinner (see most amazing turkey ever), and here's the thing i've learned, distractions are only distractions if that's the label you give them. Each one of these days have been absolutely amazing and if I had focused more on it, they proabably would have been amazinger (similarly i could have used that time to work on my grammer [and spelling]).
These distractions weren't distracting me from my problem, my problem was distracting me from some of the most amazing experiences ever. I shouldn't go through life solely trying to get rid of a problem. I think if I can act on that, I wouldn't be where I am right now (in my living room). It's been a long few month and I'm not happy, not with how i've been living my life, how i've been acting, or how i've been feeling.
I guess at the end of the day blog post, I'm not sure what's distracting what, it's silly (but really) this is where i stand, and I'm not moving forward.
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| In case you were wondering
what kind of day it was
It was that kind of a day
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| Ok, so I've been meaning to post on xanga for a while now (i've also been meaning to eat right and sleep before 12, so i guess "meaning to' doesn't really cut it haha), but haven't for a number of reasons (see Demi Lovato), one of them being (Demi Lovato) that I've been telling myself I've got other stuff to do (see Demi-.. err maybe not this one), other stuff like study for finals, write cover letters apply for jobs and all that fun stuff need to be finished! xanga posts can wait.
The thing is, all that other important stuff, really isn't that important and what I've sort of noticed these days is that I stress out for all the wrong reasons. I talked to Parm (the brown Andrew) for a while today and what we talked about was that a lot of the stress we feel is really brought on by ourselves. If I tell myself omg, I still have this, that and the other thing to do every waking minute, I'm going to get sick of myself really fast and everything I do will get taken over by it (like a small nation of orphans being invaded by a large group of [hungry hungry] hippos). And by everything, I mean totally irrelevant stuff, like when I'm watching Demi Lovato on youtube, I find myself thinking about writing cover letters, when I'm talking to a friend on the phone, I suddenly think about the financial accounting quiz that's tommorrow, (and when I'm doing the financial accounting quiz, I'd think about Demi Lovato, it really isn't very pleasent).
Fact is, it really doesn't take all that long to do a cover letter (ok, long relative to the amount of time I spend watching Demi Lovato it doesn't take that long [this is becoming an obssesion real fast]) and as far as studying goes, two or three days of concentrated studying every week really does the trick a lot better than trying to study when you're at the twins house being distracted. I think what I'm trying to get at is, studying isn't meant to be fun, there's not point in trying to make it any more fun, so when you study, focus on studying and when you're with friends focus on them, and the same goes for family.
There's other stuff I wanted to say, but I won't because it's late, and I told myself I would try to sleep earlier.
Oh btw, did I mention that I started listening to Demi Lovato?
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| I almost walked into a tree today
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